I often wonder if other people think about their future as often as I do. Not in a sense that they plan for the future, or even a goal they have in mind. Instead, I find myself thinking about that one day when everything will be different. Or naively think.....perfect.
I have spent the past two years getting past a spinal injury and surgery. The past year trying to unpack and organize,with only these last three days making real progress. Six years trying to prove myself to others. What feels like an eternity of trying to get people to respect/appreciate what I have to say, and to take it seriously. And lastly the past twenty years wearing different masks.
After a rugged weekend of cleaning, sorting through junk, and icing my back afterward, I decided to wind down with a movie, and settled on “Beastly”. So obviously the thoughts of body image, appreciation, love, and loneliness enter my mind. About half way through I needed to stop and write what will be the introduction to my “blogging career”. To echo some of my thoughts, the song “Bring On The Wonder” by Susan Enan is playing over and over in my head, and through the speakers. The oddly cool wind of a summer night in California, rustles the leaves of the tree outside my “castle tower” window.
And I think back on my (admittedly short-so-far) life. I see how so many things have changed, and take notice of the ever present cliche of all the things that haven't. And at this point I must admit the idea of blogging and baring all one's secrets, thoughts, opinions, and dreams is rather daunting. I aspire to be honest, while being on some level entertaining. However, my biggest wish with this endeavor is to be real. To be Me. (I know, I know..just bare with me here. Okay?).
I have many talents. Most artistic in nature. So I like to joke with people who ask me “is there anything you can't do”, by saying “my shortcomings are social”. The few occasions I have had this conversation it has resulted in an “oh, please” type response from the other party. But honestly, it really is my downfall. I will never understand why, but this is apparently one of my burdens/struggles/areas of growth that God has me repeatedly going through. Perhaps because it is the one area that He can remind me the quickest, to have faith in Him, and in Him alone.
But from various events in my life, being myself has become the hardest thing for me to do. Saying what I think or feel without the real impending doom of others' reactions because they can't handle it is a main part. But also, because of years (14) of verbal and emotional abuse from peers, I developed a chameleon type personality. A survival instinct to make it through one more week, day, even class period. I picked certain traits that remain a constant, the others change from day to day, and the group of people I am around.
Now I know what you are thinking. Everyone does this...to some extent yes. But I will go into that later. My real point in bringing it up now is to say that my chosen form of communication is written. I used to love to write. I remember specific stories I wrote when growing up, poems, and the like. As I got older it turned into storyboards and script ideas. Brainstorming more often then actually writing.
In the past two years (and some change) I have discovered the secret to having that “future” I mentioned before. It is to stop remembering all the things I used to do and love. Instead I should be DOING all the things I enjoy,love,want to learn, and experience.
But for the moment I want to highlight on what I hope you find here in this humble blog-abode. I want to convey my thoughts. Dreams I am trying to make real, as well as the ones that I know will never be. A bit of memory lane, both in the good and bad parts of town. Current artistic endeavors coupled with eccentric ramblings. Pictures, poems, short stories, music, and videos. Business ventures (and failures). God's Word as He continues to show it to me. God's Love as He eternally gives it. The areas I need to change, along with inevitable struggles. Those days that I just can't take it anymore, followed by the moments I can't wait for tomorrow.
Basically when people ask me “What have you been up to?”, I want them to read this and get my answer: “Living”.